How to handle disagreement

We react differently

• If you are the temperamental type and quickly go on the counterattack: practise resisting the first wave of emotions. Breathe. And take the time to think through what is actually wise to say.
• If you are afraid of conflict and prefer to avoid discomfort: be aware of the urge to change the subject, and instead try asking the other person to elaborate on what they mean.
• If you easily become immobilised and passive: try to recognise what is happening, direct your attention outwards, and try to put into words what you yourself think. 
• If you are someone who easily adapts to others and risks compromising your own values: be aware of this when you enter such groups. Be determined to be clearer about what you yourself think.  

Interpretation

Remember that the risk of misinterpretation, or of reading something else into what the other person says, is always present. Communication is very complex, and people primarily act on what they think the other person means. Lars Saabye Christensen described this well in «Halvboren» with the quote: «It is not what you see, but what you think you see (that matters).» It is therefore important to take the time to check once more. Ask something like «so what you are saying is that…». That way, you get clarification of what you have understood. 

Preventing conflicts 

It is always easiest to communicate in peacetime, that is, before disagreements and conflicts have arisen. One piece of advice for forming groups is that students start by talking a little about how they want the collaboration to be. For example, you can establish some informal group rules, which can serve as a good reference if things are starting to go off track later. Clarifying expectations and dividing tasks concretely is always beneficial. 

Avoid talking behind people’s backs 

It is easy to resort to talking behind people’s backs if others have opinions that you find odd, or that stand out. Make it a general rule that you do not say anything about others that you would not say if they were present. If there is something about the other person’s behaviour that you react to, try instead to raise it in a friendly way.  

Remember that agreement is not a goal in itself 

It is important to remember that being in agreement about everything is not a goal in itself; this applies in all social groups. In fact, disagreement and discussion can lead to new insight and development. Diversity of opinion is about being open to other people’s attitudes. It can actually be quite interesting to explore more deeply what the other person means, rather than trying to convince them that you are right.  

When should you speak up? 

Although it is important to be generous towards other people’s opinions, there is a limit somewhere. If fellow students display negative attitudes or statements that go too far, it can absolutely be appropriate to speak up. It is always wise to stick to a descriptive formulation, and avoid making personal characterisations of the other person that typically begin with «you are». Rather say something like: «When you say that, I'm reacting because…»